Shake off Your Jitters (Pt 1 of 2)

A while back I was giving a two-hour training to a group of a few hundred sales professionals.

In the front row were a couple of women who kept smiling, giggling, elbowing each other and pointing at me.

I thought, “Man, I’m killing them up here. I must be in The Zone!”

I was so encouraged that I got even more passionate and animated in my presentation. Near the very end of my talk, I looked down and realized that my fly had been gaping open the entire time.

Near the very end of my talk, I looked down and realized that my fly had been gaping open the entire time.

What was worse is the entire audience noticed that I JUST noticed.

I quickly put on a face of comic surprise and everyone roared.

Then, as the laughter died down, I leaned against the podium, nodded knowingly, and said:

“Remember this, of all the sales strategies, tips and tactics we talked about today, none of them mean a thing unless you remember to close.”

And with that I zipped up my fly.

I got a standing ovation and for years after that presentation, people discussed whether or not I’d planned the whole incident.

When speaking in front of crowds or giving a presentation, sometimes your greatest fears can be your greatest moments of engagement, humility and memorability. Embrace it all.

Look, success in today’s world comes down to your ability to sell your ideas, expand your influence and enroll others into a worthy mission or cause.

That means you need to learn to present.

Today I will be giving you a few key ideas to help you conquer the hearts and minds of those you seek to influence through presentation.

By the way, EVERYBODY is a public presenter.

Maybe you’re presenting your ideas at an office meeting, interviewing for a new job, pitching your argument for why a new piece of office equipment is needed or trying to convince your friends which movie should win the Oscar. Whatever the situation, being able to speak effectively in public is essential to success.

Whatever the situation, being able to speak effectively in public is essential to success.

A recent survey conducted by Distinction discovered that, of the executives and entrepreneurs surveyed, more than 86 percent said being able to present effectively has a significant impact on their income and success.

But you are afraid to speak in front of a group.

It’s true, many see this as a Death-Defying act.
According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking.
No. 2 is death.

Doesn’t that sound insane?
People would rather die than speak in public.

That means if you go to a funeral, more people would rather be the one in the casket than have to give the eulogy!

First off, let’s put this into proper perspective:
No one has ever died giving a bad presentation.
Well, except for President William Henry Harrison.
Harrison developed pneumonia after giving the longest inaugural address in U. S. history. Which I guess is our first lesson on giving a presentation—keep it short or you might die… or at least kill the attention span of your audience.

So why do we think connect speaking in public to an act of suicide?

We come by this fear through our crazy ancestral brain wiring.
You have to remember that we have been walking erect for more than 4 million years.
Even if you call “modern man” 6,000 years old, we have some long-living, deep-seated survival brain wiring that is really over-inflated for our modern times.

We have learned that predators hunt in packs and their easiest prey are those who stand alone, without a weapon, on a flat area of land where there is no cover.

What does that sound like?
Yeah, standing on a stage, alone, in front of an audience, with all their eyes fixed on you.

Our ancestors, the ones who survived, that is, developed a fear response mechanism to these situations. However, these days we are rarely chased by lions or attacked by packs of hyenas, making our fear response programming out of sync with much of modern life.

You have to ask yourself, “Hey, what’s the worst that can happen?”
Certainly death is rarely a consequence, so anything short of that leaves nothing to be afraid of, really.

So my job as your mentor is to help you shake off the jitters when it comes to speaking in public.
You might find it helpful to know that some of the most successful and famous public speakers have the same ancient brain wiring issues we all have:

-Elvis Presley said, “I’ve never gotten over what they call stage fright. I go through it every show.”
-Bono, of U2, claims to get nervous the morning of every one of the thousands of shows he’s performed.
-Thomas Jefferson was so afraid of public speaking that he had someone else read the State of the Union Address. George Washington didn’t like speaking either.
-Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Margaret Thatcher, Barbara Walters, Johnny Carson, and Barbra Streisand have all reported fears of public communication.
-I just read an interview with legendary crooner Tony Bennett in Esquire where he said, “Every great performer I have ever met has been frightened to go on.”
-Even Aristotle, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Winston Churchill, Jack Welch, James Earl Jones and the former King of England, all had stutters and were nervous speakers at one time in their lives.

So hey, if you are a bit nervous, you are in good company, and there is a great chance you can still be stellar at it.

http://darrenhardy.success.com/2015/04/shake-off-jitters-1/#article

Rohn: 8 Traits of Healthy Relationships

Which of these will you work on today?

Nothing can bring more joy to life than beautifully fulfilling relationships. The depth of meaning, understanding and appreciation that these kinds of relationships bring is almost unfathomable. And, of course, as many people find out, nothing can bring so much pain as a broken relationship with someone dear to you.

Yes, relationships make the world go ’round. For better or for worse. But the exciting thing is that we can do much to increase our chances of having terrific relationships—relationships that are fulfilling and exciting, rich with meaning, joy and love. There are basics that govern most human relationships and these basics are what I want to cover below. So here is my list of the eight essentials that I believe make up the basics of healthy relationships.

1. Love. Now, this all depends on your definition of love. Most people think that love is a feeling, but I would strongly debate that point. Actually, the concept of “like” is really about feelings. When you say you like someone, you are talking about how you feel. But when you say that you love someone, you are not necessarily talking about how you feel about them. Love is much deeper than a feeling. Love is a commitment we make to people to always treat that person right and honorably. Yes, for those we become especially close to, we will have feelings of love, but I believe it is time for us to re-examine what we mean by love. We must expand our definition of what love means by including the commitment aspect of love. For healthy relationships, we must love everyone. We may not like them based on how we feel about them, but we should love them based on our definition of love above which in turn determines how we should act toward them; that is, treat them right and honorably. This is the basis of all healthy relationships.

2. Serving Heart. My good friend Zig Ziglar says frequently that “you can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want out of life.” The concept he is talking about is having a heart and life that is focused on serving other people. The Bible puts it this way: consider others’ interests as more important than your own. This is also fundamental to healthy relationships.

3. Honest Communication. In any good relationship you will find open and honest communication. Communication is so important because it is the vehicle that allows us to verbalize what is inside us and enables it to connect with another person. Isn’t communication amazing? One person is feeling one thing, and through communication, another person can find that out and feel it too—amazing. And this is a vital goal in good relationships—to communicate, to tell each other what we are thinking and what we are feeling. It enables us to make a connection. Sometimes we are the one speaking and other times we are listening. Either way, the central tenet is communication for the sake of building the relationship and making it stronger. And here’s what’s exciting: If we just communicate, we can get by. But if we communicate skillfully, we can work miracles!

4. Friendliness. Put simply, relationships just work better when we are friendly with others. Being friendly can cushion the bumpy ride we sometimes experience in our relationships. Cheerfulness goes a long way toward building lasting relationships. I mean, nobody wants to be around a grump, do they? The fact is that the friendlier you are the more you are going to have people who want to pursue longer-lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with you. So cheer up, put on a smile, have kind words to say to others, treat people with a great deal of friendliness and you will see your relationships improve.

5. Patience. People being people, we have an awful lot of time for practice in the area of patience. People are not perfect and will constantly fail us. And conversely we will fail other people. So while we try to have more patience for others, we need their patience as well. So often, I think relationships break down because people give up and lose patience. I am talking about all kinds of friendships, marriages, business relationships, etc. Recent research has shown that those marriages that go through major turmoil, and then make it through, are very strong after doing so. Patience wins out. Those who give up on relationships too early, or because the other person isn’t perfect, often forget that their next friend, their next spouse or business partner will not be perfect either! So we would do well to cultivate this skill and learn to have more patience.

6. Loyalty. Loyalty is a commitment to another person. Sadly, loyalty is often a missing element in many relationships today. We have forgotten what it means to be loyal. Our consumer mentality has affected this to some degree. People are no longer loyal to a product. And unfortunately, many companies are not loyal to their clients or patrons. Regrettably, this has spilled over into our relationships. It is one thing to switch brands of dishwashing detergent. It is another thing altogether to switch friends. Sometimes we just need to commit to being loyal and let the relationship move forward. We need a higher level of stick-to-it-iveness! This kind of loyalty will take our relationships to a much deeper level. What a powerful and secure feeling of knowing that you have a relationship with someone who is loyal to you and you to them—that neither of you is going anywhere even when things get tough. Wow, how powerful!

7. A Common Purpose. One of the basics of healthy relationships is to have a common purpose, and oftentimes this is a component that is initially overlooked, but for a long-term, long-lasting relationship it is vital. Think about how many friends you have met through the years while working on a common purpose. Maybe it was someone you met while participating in sports, while working on a political campaign, attending church, at your office, or anything that brought you together to work on a common purpose. You had that strong common bond of purpose that brought you together and held you together. Working together, building together, failing and succeeding together—all while pursuing a common purpose—is what relationships are made of. Find people with whom you have common purposes and sow the seeds of great relationships, and then reap the long-lasting benefits.

8. Fun. All good relationships have some element of fun. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean loud, raucous fun, though that is appropriate for some relationships. But even in business relationships there should be some fun. It should be fun to do business with those who you are going to have a long-term business relationship with. Fun brings enjoyment to the relationship and that is important. I think that oftentimes this key element can be easily forgotten or neglected in our family and spousal relationships. The fun things we did initially in a new relationship after a while can be taken for granted or simply fall by the wayside and we stop creating the fun and joy. So remember to consciously craft fun situations and moments, for these are the glue that hold our memories together and make our lives sweet.

There are so many key ingredients to making and maintaining great, long-lasting relationships. Each of the eight components we discussed brings unique dynamics and rewards to your relationships. Let’s begin to focus on improving our relationships in these areas and see what miracles occur!

 http://success.com/article/8-traits-of-healthy-relationships

Self-Discipline - The Foundation For Success

No personal success, achievement, or goal, can be realized without self-discipline.  It is singularly the most important attribute needed to achieve any type of personal excellence, athletic excellence, virtuosity in the arts, or otherwise outstanding performance.

What is self-discipline?

It is the ability to control one's impulses, emotions, desires and behavior. It is being able to turn down immediate pleasure and instant gratification in favor of gaining the long-term satisfaction and fulfillment from achieving higher and more meaningful goals.

To possess it is to be able to make the decisions, take the actions, and execute your game plan regardless of the obstacles, discomfort, or difficulties, that may come your way.

Certainly, being disciplined does not mean living a limiting or a restrictive lifestyle. Nor, does not mean giving up everything you enjoy, or, to relinquish fun and relaxation. It does mean learning how to focus your mind and energies on your goals and persevere until they are accomplished. It also means cultivating a mindset whereby you are ruled by your deliberate choices rather than by your emotions, bad habits, or the sway of others. Self-discipline allows you to reach your goals in a reasonable time frame and to live a more orderly and satisfying life. 

How To Develop Self-Discipline

Start with baby steps. No process takes place overnight. Just as it takes time to build muscle, so does it take time to develop self-discipline. The more you train and build it, the stronger you become. In exercise, if you try to do too much at once, you could injure yourself and have a setback. Likewise, take it one step at a time in building self-discipline. So, begin by making the decision to go forward and learning what it takes to get there.

Learn what motivates you and what your bad triggers are. You can begin by learning about yourself! Sometimes it is very difficult to fight off urges and cravings, so know the areas where your resistance is low and how to avoid those situations.  If you know you can't resist cake, fries, or other temptations - stay away from them. Do not have them around to lure you in moments of weakness. If you also know that putting pressure on yourself does not work for you, then set yourself up in an environment that encourages the building of self-discipline rather than one that sabotages it. Remove the temptations and surround yourself with soothing and encouraging items such as motivating slogansand pictures of what you want to achieve. 

Learn also what energizes and motivates you. Your willpower can go up and down with your energy levels so play energetic music to perk you up, move around, laugh. Train yourself to enjoy what you are doing by being energized. This will make it easier to implement desirable and appropriate behaviors into your routine - which is really what self-discipline is all about. 

Make certain behaviors a routine. Once you have decided what's important to you and which goals to strive for, establish a daily routine that will help you achieve them. For example, if you want to eat healthily or lose weight; resolve to eat several servings of fruits and vegetables each day and exercise for at least half an hour. Make it part of your daily routine and part of your self-discipline building. Likewise, get rid of some of your bad, self-defeating habits, whatever they may be. They can put you in a negative frame of mind and hinder your self-discipline. A poor attitude can also be a bad habit. 

Practice self-denial. Learn to say no to some of your feelings, impulses and urges. Train yourself to do what you know to be right, even if you don't feel like doing it. Skip dessert some evenings. Limit your TV watching. Resist the urge to yell at someone who has irritated you. Stop and think before you act. Think about consequences. When you practice self-restraint it helps you develop the habit of keeping other things under control. 

Engage in sports or activities. Sports are an excellent way to enhance self- discipline. They train you to set goals, focus your mental and emotional energies, become physically fit, and to get along well with others.  Participating in sports provides a situation where you learn to work hard and strive to do your best, which in turn, teaches you to integrate the same the thought processes and disciplines into your everyday life.

Learning to play a musical instrument can be another great way to practice self-discipline. The focus, repetition, and application required in learning to play an instrument is invaluable. Achieving self-discipline in any one area of your life reprograms your mind to choose what is right, rather than what is easy.

Get inspiration from those you admire. Michael Jordan has always maintained that his greatness as a basketball player came as much from his willingness to work hard at his craft, as it did his talent. It was his desire through discipline and focus that made him one of the best basketball players ever. If it worked for him, it could certainly work for the rest of us. 

Visualize the rewards. There is nothing more gratifying than accomplishing your goals. Practice the technique that high achievers and top athletes do. Project yourself in the future. Visualize your desired outcome. Feel how rewarding it is and the countless benefits you will enjoy. Remind yourself what it takes to get there.                                

The Benefits  It helps build self-confidence.  You accomplish more, and are therefore more productive. You are able to maintain a higher tolerance for frustration, obstacles and negative emotions. Allows you to obtain better health, better finances and a good work ethic. You are able to reach your most difficult goals more efficiently.  The more disciplined you become, the easier life gets.

If we are to be masters of our own destiny, we must develop self-discipline and self-control. By focusing on long-term benefits instead of short-term discomfort, we can encourage ourselves to develop of self-discipline. Ultimately our health and happiness depend on it. 

http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/self-discipline.html

How to Blend-In, Yet Stand-Out!

By Mr. Self Development

A few weeks ago I wrote an article titled “65 Ways to Stand-Out from Everyone Else.” Shortly after I wrote that article I received an e-mail from a reader stating that this concept of “standing-out” is problematic, specifically at work and in the business world, she wanted to know, “…How do you blend-in?”

Truth be told, she asked a great question.  

Why do I say this?

Because if you stand-out too much, you will be ostracized, and you will likely never make significant progress in the business world.  

Fitting-in appropriately is not only important to success, it is absolutely essential – you must be the “right” fit for the position, group, customer, or level that you desire to achieve.

However, and with the same token, if you don’t stand-out, you will never be noticed, and you will never be appreciated, recognized, and rewarded for youruniqueness, your talent, and your authenticity. There’s a balance that must be struck.  This article is dedicated to those who are trying to find that balance.

The Goal

The goal is to be so pliable that you’re able to adapt to any environment without compromising the essence of who you are.  In other words, you should blend-in so much that you’re accepted, but you should stand-out so much that you’re authentic. You should blend-in so much that you’re not shunned, and yet you should stand-out so much that people appreciate your difference.

The key is to be comfortable in your skin, yet have reverence for the environment that you’re in. This is not about “selling out” and being “fake,” it’s about understanding protocol and the rules of engagement.

The Business World is Laced with Protocol

While you may feel comfortable coming to work in your pajamas, you will probably not blend-in sufficiently enough to justify that being a good idea. Yes, you have to be “you,” but it’s important that you are the highest most developed version of yourself in order to succeed in the business world.

Authenticity

This doesn’t mean that we should all be dressed alike and speak the same, like little automatons, because that wouldn’t be authentic at all. It does mean that we must fit the environment that we’re in…with the most authentic version of ourselves.

You Have to be True to You

Just because Steve Jobs presented at Macworld in jeans and a turtleneck, doesn’t mean that the next person should. What’s true for you, is not always true for me, and yet there are some things that are true for everyone. What works for Joe is not necessarily what will work for Sally. There is no perfect way to do anything, and yet, this has to be balanced with some level of orthodoxy. We can all agree that whoever presents at Macworld should be wearing some clothes, no matter how comfortable they are naked, or how well they think they can pull it off.  There’s a protocol in every environment that must be understood and followed if you are to be successful.

Work to understand the requisite protocol, and then be your authentic self within the boundaries of that protocol.

So how do you blend-in, and yet stand-out?

1. You can do it with your attire.  You can follow etiquette, and yet adorn yourself in a way that is true to you and your personality.

2. You can do it with your behavior.  You can do what the group is doing, but you can do it in your own unique way, a way that you’re comfortable conductingyourself and your business.

3. You can do it with your voice.  You can be loud, or quiet, in a way that’s true to you, and the list goes on and on, and yet the goal remains the same: you must balance authenticity with accuracy of behavior according to your present environment.

In short, when it comes to business, in order to succeed, you must always blend-in…but you must never fail to stand-out.

http://www.mrselfdevelopment.com/2015/04/how-to-blend-in-yet-stand-out/

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND MASTER YOUR LIFE

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND MASTER YOUR LIFE

Emotional mastery is the key to living a life that you direct. The capacity to have absolute direct power over what you feel in every single moment—no matter what happens around you—is one of the most important skill sets you can have.

There are three forces in the world that determine what you feel. These forces are called the Triad. Together, these three patterns create any—and every—emotional state.

Whatever you feel, you’re not feeling it because you have to feel it. You’re feeling it because you’ve chosen from the Triad. In order to master your emotions and consciously choose the emotions you want to live in, you need to understand these three forces and how to use them to your advantage.

#1: Physiology

Emotion is created by motion. Whatever you’re feeling right now is directly related to how you’re using your body. If you slump your shoulders and lean your head forward, you’ll move toward a state of depression. However, the next time you find yourself in a negative state, stand up, throw your shoulders back and take a few deep breaths. You’ll find that you’re able to put yourself in a resourceful state. From this state, you can make stronger decisions and enjoy a sense of certainty that will keep you calm in the face of uncertainty.

#2: Language

Language comes in many forms, one of which includes the questions you ask yourself, either aloud or inside your head. If you ask, “Why does this always have to happen to me?” you’ll create a much different set of emotions than if you asked, “How can I benefit from this?” or “Where’s the gift in this?” or “What’s humorous about this?”

The language patterns you run play a significant role in the meaning you give a situation—and the emotion that situation creates in you. When you feel negative emotions taking over, look at the language surrounding your situation. How can you shift it to create a more empowering state?

#3: Focus

Where focus goes, energy flows. And where energy flows, whatever you’re focusing on grows. In other words, your life is controlled by what you focus on. That’s why you need to focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear. When you next find yourself in a state of uncertainty, resist your fear. Shift your focus toward where you want to go and your actions will take you in that direction.

Understanding—and influencing—your Triad is the first step toward emotional mastery. When you can influence your emotions using the Triad, you can choose to spend more time in positive, resourceful emotional states. From these states, you’ll make the decisions that will help you reach your highest potential and enjoy your life in every moment.

http://training.tonyrobbins.com/master-your-emotional-health-and-master-your-life/

Saying Yes When We Mean No: How to Break the Habit

By Victoria Cox

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings

Have you ever encountered a situation where you found yourself agreeing to do something that you had no interest in actually doing?

When we find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, we are essentially saying no to ourselves and giving our personal power away. The classic archetype of the People Pleaser.

So why do we do it?

I believe it is learned behavior. I have yet to see a toddler hold themselves back from the brink of a temper tantrum and tell themselves, “You know what, mum is really tired today. She doesn’t need another one of my meltdowns. The diaper aisle in Target is not the right place for this type of behavior.”

It simply doesn’t happen. Children tend to express their emotions as they feel them, which is why they are generally such emotional-baggage-free zones. They typically express those emotions freely and with complete abandon, regardless of who’s looking at them.

Throughout the course of our early life, when our mother, father, or parental figure approves of what we do, it feels good. Therefore, we learn to keep doing things that will meet their approval to keep feeling good.

The problem is that every time we continue on this pleasing path, we are ultimately taking ourselves off our own path. We are closing down from what we want, focusing on what others want from us, and effectively handing them the reins to our lives.

One analogy I like to make for this type of behavior is renting a car in a new city with a GPS device.

You are entirely reliant on that device getting you to where you need to be. All well and good, but what if the device isn’t given the correct instructions or doesn’t take into account the new one-way system recently implemented in the city?

When you relinquish control and hand your power over to someone or something outside yourself, you are cutting yourself off from you.

But what if you also had a map of the new city and worked out your correct location and intended destination?

You’d start to get a sense of where you are and a feel for the direction you need to be headed in.

The GPS system is a shorter route to get there and a very useful aid, but in handing over your power completely, you are at the whims of the GPS and at risk of driving the wrong way down a one-way street.

I learned from an early age that life would be simpler if I just did what I was told. In turn, people started to expect that nice behavior from me. But what about the situations where I wasn’t feeling like being nice? What if being nice felt the polar opposite of the emotion that I wanted to express?

By choosing people pleasing behavior, I was giving everyone else what they wanted and in turn, denying myself.

I was stuffing down my emotions and instead, learning to say what was expected of me. After a while, this behavior starts to feel normal and you no longer even question why you behave a certain way; it becomes ingrained, a habit.

So how do we break the habit?

The first step is simply awareness.

Notice when you start to engage in people pleasing behavior.

There is no need to beat yourself up when you notice this. You are essentially starting to retrain the neural pathways in your brain. It may take some time. Go easy on yourself and be forgiving. But don’t stop paying attention.

By becoming aware, we can no longer stay in denial about our behavior; we know exactly what we are doing.

The next step is to ask, “Why am I doing this?”

Once we are aware of our behavior, we can start to question it. One of my people pleasing habits is just to give the other person what they want so I don’t have to feel any emotional discomfort. This is called avoidance.

For example, a friend invites me to dinner and asks if we could go to a fondue restaurant she loves. I hate fondue. The idea of soaking pieces of bread into a vat of swirling melted cheese makes me feel slightly nauseous.

Yet, instead of just telling my friend this, I hear myself saying, “Sure, sounds great.” Fast-forward a few days and there I am, stuffing melted cheese into my mouth and plastering a grin over my face to try and conceal my disgust.

I asked myself, why am I doing this? The answer was clear. I would rather put myself through a few hours of discomfort and line my intestines with a cheese glaze rather than tell my friend I wasn’t into it.

As I looked back on this experience I realized that the only person suffering in that experience was me. I willingly put myself into a situation I didn’t want to be in rather than being honest.

After becoming aware of our behavior and figuring out why we’re doing it, we can then address the problem.

The last step is to set emotional boundaries.

Setting new boundaries with the people you love is never easy, and it takes time. The key is to take a deep breath and step back when you find yourself entering the people-pleasing zone.

Saying “I’m not sure yet, can I get back to you?” is a step in the right direction. This gives you time to think the issue through so you don’t feel pressured into making a decision.

Ask yourself what you want, not what the other person wants from you.

If you don’t want to do what is being asked of you, it’s okay. You can be loving and kind about it but remain firm.

Creating boundaries provides an emotional comfort zone for yourself. When we are clear on what we will and wont accept, people respect us for it.

At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and accepted by those closest to us. But it’s important to know that loving someone doesn’t mean doing everything in your power to please them. This is called being a doormat.

By shifting focus and starting to love yourself first, you learn to step into your authentic self and conduct your relationships from a place of equal footing.

We begin to reaffirm to ourselves that we have the right to live our lives on our own terms.

Stand tall in your own skin and be who you are meant to be, not what somebody else expects you to be.

No blackboard image via Shutterstock

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/saying-yes-when-we-mean-no-how-to-break-the-habit/